as with all adventures, this one started (or, more appropriately, "re-started" again after some time of just living "normally"...) from a general feeling of lack and the thought that, "surely, there must be more to life than this!"
i think i Google-searched for "abundance" or "prosperity" or other such similar words, and the first site i got seriously interested in was The Science of Getting Rich, where they even had a free e-book and some really nice screensavers you can download. then i was led to Stuart Lichtman's Cybernetic Transposition, and some more other similar sites on abundance and prosperity and manifesting your heart's desires. i shared them with a friend, who bought for me Joe Vitale's "The Attractor Factor", which im still reading right now.
they all basically say the same thing in different ways, and these things are:
1. the Universe/God/Goddess is a loving and an abundant, limitless source of supply for all our needs and wants;
2. we are using so much less of our God-given powers to co-create the life we desire when we allow ourselves to continue to be trapped in past negative conditioning, error thoughts and self-doubts;
3. everything is Energy;
4. what we focus on is what we eventually manifest into reality through the universal Law of Attraction where like attracts like;
5. like electricity, the circuit (mind) with the least impedance is the best conductor of this power;
6. when we wake up to this consciousness and begin using more of our powers, then we also become like gods and goddesses, in God's own likeness, as we were meant to be.
i have always "known" these things and further validated my knowing of these things since youth, through my own intensive readings and self-study and reflection and of course, applications and experiments. but they have never coalesced for me into one big coherent whole until now, when i can more clearly see how everythng and everyone is so connected, and how the mind can be so magical when harnessed properly.
my struggle throughout all these, though, has always been getting past the negative conditioning and error thoughts, learning to trust my self and the Universe more... "getting clear", so to speak, so that the blessings of this wonderful Universe can more easily and speedily flow to me and through me. so most of my struggles from age 12 to now (wow, that's a quarter of a century already!) has been growing beyond my past conditioning from parents, family, school, community, society, religion, and replacing my error thoughts with the correct universally principled ones.
through it all, i have gradually learned to trust my self and the Universe more, through a hit-or-miss kind of process, some days living "normal", some days living magically from the core, going by my guts and wits alone.
i think i have evolved to a point now where the externals don't get to me as much as the internals do. and this is my struggle, right now, the negative self-talk i am still prone to fall into especially when things don't seem to be going my way.
if (when) i can do this well, to master my own mind at last and apply my intention and will more clearly and focusedly on what i want to manifest, then i would have become my own Goddess at last. until then, i am my own goddess in progress, my life as my own magical masterpiece in the making.
and so, this is where i begin The Begin.