Sunday, December 18, 2005

murky again : (

the struggle is not only in getting clear, though, but in staying clear. and it is not just error thoughts that make the mind murky, there are also those unsavory feelings that come with those error thoughts.

right now, i am feeling frustrated. Windows won't start in my other computer again, and the thought of bringing the pc back to the computer shop for check up and repairs early tomorrow morning, when ive only gotten it back last thursday for the same problem, upsets me. the thought of additional costs for repairs also frustrates me.

ive been trying to be a better manager of my finances now, strictly sticking to a budget according to my goals, and even building up a savings fund for the kids' tuition next year so it doesnt have to be deducted anymore from my salary at the university where i teach, come June, when it's usually the lowest-funds time for me with all those school opening deductions.

but now, this.

i guess the lesson it's teaching me is im not that economically strong and stable yet to have a budget that has a buffer zone for little emergencies like this, and that is what i should factor in when i update my budget and planning next time.

(hmmm.... that last insight just came to me as i was writing this! well, at least, a good lesson came out of the experience, thank you!!! i am feeling a lot better now than when i started this blog a few minutes ago!)

*****

ive been feeling a growing sense of worry and anxiety, too. my budget cannot cover the christmas gifts for my kids, the ones in their Santa list, as the christmas bonus i am receiving this year i will be using to update the arrears on the housing mortgage payments, so i can get back on track with my housing loan come New Year's.

i've been aiming "to attract" at least $600 for Christmas since ive started reading The Attractor Factor but right now i am not feeling so attractive. : (

i am, instead, feeling anxious and worried and clingy, when i also know, in theory, that this is the time when i should already have let go and just let the Universe do it's work.

actually, the $600 is almost half-fulfilled, when i think about it now, with J's sending me first, $50, for the gift for mama, then another $50 just in case it won't cover the whole cost of the gift for mama, then $120 by next week for the gift for Thea. but those are for mama and for Thea, with only a little left over for the two little ones. : (

still, come to think of it, J's offer to send me these additional funds actually came right after i made the $600 wish while reading The Attractor Factor, yet im still feeling anxious and worried and doubtful now. how can i be so ungrateful to the Universe!!! oh, God.

i know, too, that the way to overcome feelings like this that get one un-clear again, is to decide to be happy right now, and the quickest way to do that is through gratitude, thanking God and the Universe for all the blessings in my life and all the coming ones, too.

but i must admit, right now, as in RIGHT NOW, even thinking up things i am grateful for, and feeling grateful, seems like a heavy heavy burden and struggle.

sigh.

God help me! God save me from my self!
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