it's not what you haven't got...(yet)

the kids and i had a fun time yesterday with my sister and brother and their families.

mama, who's based in faraway atlanta, georgia, has recently had a heart attack which she thankfully survived--- this, after a stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis in 2000, a triple heart-bypass in 2003, and then starting on her thrice-weekly dialysis that same month she had her heart-bypass in 2003.

needless to say, mama has been feeling sentimental now, feeling her time running out, and with us here so far away from her, missing us so.

it was J's idea actually to send me the two $50s, for a family portrait for everyone and for each sub-family, to send to mama in time for christmas. i mentioned it to my sister and brother who instantly liked it too, and so yesterday, we all trooped to the photo studio to have our pictures taken.

first, there was the free make-up, which all of us girls eagerly lined up for, even the littlest one, ella (my sister honey's youngest). then each of our "sub-families" got to have our pictures taken, after which the whole group picture shots followed. for a while, it was the usual formal poses... but then, after we were all done, honey had this instant idea to do some wacky poses too, seeing the kids running around with the hats and feather and sequiny costume accessories all over the studio.

and that's exactly what we did!!!

ooh, my, we had the time of our lives hamming it up for the cam! when the pictures came out in the computer, we laughed at ourselves all over again; we looked like one big tv sitcom family!!!

we had dinner together at some chinese fastfood place a while later, and the mood was happy and celebratory--- a very rare treat for our very passionate and seemingly perennially besieged family. i had the feeling that this is the beginning of something new in our lives; it felt like a perfect Christmas evening already.

so anyway, i went home feeling much richer than just the $600 i was worrying about a few days ago. since i decided to let go yesterday, my attitude has been, i won't even waste time and energies worrying about it anymore. if it comes, it will come; if it won't, maybe i have a deeper lesson to learn from it.

and although Christmas is still five days away, some part of my mind is already looking at the if it won't come part, just in case (that's my business training kicking into place, always prepare for the worst-case scenario, and then you're okay : > ). and here is what im thinking now:

why not juggle items in the budget around a bit again, as you have always done? why not write the housing loan company another nice letter, go there and turn on the charm again, and renegotiate for updating the mortgage in installments, to be updated by the middle of next year? indeed, why not? so you can free up funds for the kids' gifts?

yes, why not?

ive done this for so long, now, budgeting, then juggling items in the budget, learning to delay, stall, negotiate for non-monetary exchange deals, or even eliminate desires altogether,what's another try?

i see now that it's precisely because of what i haven't got before that i developed inner gifts instead-- patience, forbearance, creativity, assertiveness, even powerful negotiating skills--which i wouldn't have acquired if life were "softer".

and now here comes a new blogger friend, SoORObserver (the only "commentor" on this incognito blog so far), whose fun way of looking at things helps me out of my worries and anxieties and reminds me again how everything is relative.

i sought out to "attract" $600 for christmas, but i am actually now being blessed with so much more.