My New Year's Resolutions -- Everything Starts In the Mind

1. constantly "clear" my self mentally, emotionally, psychically; watch out for and stop error thoughts, expose them to the Light, and transform them into loving, positive thoughts;

2. stay, soak, bask in Gratitude Mode, so the world's so-called "realities" don't get to me and my joy, as i begin to more consciously manifest now my desired realities;

3. revel in my perfect weight of 136 pounds, and the truth that anything more is not me, so they just fall off quickly and effortlessly ( : > yes, im serious, too.);

4. order and eat what i truly want to eat, and stop eating my children's leftovers. (i started yesterday, see?)

follow my joys;
take good care of my self, love and respect my self in all ways;
grow into my goddessness as i was always meant to be!!!

Another Reason to Avoid TV

i stopped watching tv around 5 years ago, and ive been happier since then.

first, i stopped watching by default, because the ex hogged the tv and the sofa and i didn't like the programs he was watching. then, our eldest grew old enough to wrestle the remote control away from her father when she could, so that doubled my competition. for peace and love, i turned to reading and rereading my collection of books instead, and writing down my thoughts alone in the bedroom. i never knew that was a blessing in disguise.

i gradually learned what a bunch of drivel we're all fed when we watch tv, especially when we watch tv too much. little by little, you give away your own power over your own mind, what thoughts to think, because tv thinks for you, and feeds you ideas in a way that lulls you into acquiescence, because of the lack of true human interaction and discourse.

but here's another reason not to watch tv which i came across just now in one of the free newsletters i subscribe to:

*****

For years, ETR has been trying to convince you to drastically limit the hours you spend watching TV. Not only does it waste time and lull your brain into a false sleep ... it is also slowly but surely eating away at your bank account.

The 2005 J.D. Power & Associates Residential Cable/Satellite TV Customer Satisfaction Survey reports that satellite subscribers pay an average of $57.72 a month and cable subscribers shell out an average of $58.51. That's about $700 a year squandered on mind-numbing, nattering drivel.

If you were to invest that money and get a 15% return, you'd have close to $7,000 in five years. Keep stowing that $700 away, and in 25 years you'd have close to $200,000! With that kind of money, you could buy a Ferrari F430 Spider, pay off your child's med school loans, or enjoy a much more comfortable retirement.

- Suzanne Richardson

*****

nice food for thought, huh, but it still doesn't beat reclaiming your own mind from the clutches of mass-produced mindlessness.

shhhhh....

there's another thing i learned today when i was at the spa.

i rarely weigh my self on scales since ive learned to love my body for what it is, but today i was curious.... and SHOCKED.

i tipped the scales at 160 pounds!!!

ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY UNBELIEVABLE POUNDS.

omigod. how can this be? i've always felt and looked like a 136-pounder, for my tall-for-an-Asian height, and have always thought of my body as voluptous and delicious : >, and a young attractive, twenty-something man at the boat terminal even flirted with me today (not my type, though, so i quickly created lots of space between us heheh)... but 160 pounds sounds HUMONGOUS and UNFEMININE!!! : ( : ( : (

while my eyes were closed and my body was being massaged, i knew enough not to lambast my self with negative and accusing self-talk again. at least, i had the good sense to decide that whatever i want next for my body, i will go about it by treating my body with respect and love, and not force it to fit some mass-produced template of what a woman's body should "ideally" weigh, or else, my body will of course obey and weigh less, but it will also feel more unloved than loved.

so, i coined this affirmation for my self for 2006, after computing that i would need to lose at least 2 pounds a month over one year to go back to 136 pounds....

I revel in my perfect weight of 136 pounds! Anything more is not me, and just falls off quickly and effortlessly.

heeehee (grinning ear to ear)... well at least my body agrees with that, does not feel insulted that it is being asked to weigh less, and more importantly, does not feel any less loved at all!

a date with my self

after going to another city in the next island this morning to collect the corporate registration papers for our family's newly-formed export corporation, i spent the rest of the day dating my self.

well, the date already started with the boat trip, when i spent the hour-long ride to and another hour-long ride back reading up on Chapter 4 of The Attractor Factor instead (another blog to follow on my learnings and insights on this...)

when i arrived early afternoon, i proceeded to go to my favorite spa for a swedish massage with aromatherapy. however, the receptionist said i had to wait for 20 minutes as they were still full, so i decided to go downstairs and treat my self to a late lunch of calzone and a mango caramel frappe (instead of my usual cappuccino) at my favorite cafe.

after the spa, i treated my self to an early dinner at my favorite small family restaurant with green iced tea and a "ClearWater City Caesar's Salad" (actually, it was just lettuce and croutons and cheese and bacon bits, with salad dressing... heehee... but i felt like an elegant independent woman treating my self to something i usually don't order, as i let my kids order first and i just eat their leftovers, to save on expenses... : ( .... hmmmm, enough of that poverty mentality!, the goddess in me pouts. you are a goddess, remember, so treat your self like one!).

anyway, i decided on treating my self today, especially with my aunt's bonus christmas gift (yeah sure, treat your self only when you have extra... that's not the goddess way to be! goddesses treat themselves ALL THE TIME, and the magical blessings follow!), and also because i needed a break from the kids, after staying cooped with them at home for almost two weeks now this christmas vacation...

then, too, i wanted to celebrate the end of my major cleaning and reorganizing chores. : ) the article i just read now affirms how clearing out space physically is a good step in bringing more good into your life! : )

my physical cleaning also jives with my conscious intent now to emotionally and psychically "get clear", even if it's the only thing i will accomplish for the entire 2006. and yes, i feel freer, even with just the physical cleaning, and more ready now to work on my other cleaning projects. : )

then, too, there are like 10 other work-related and freelance-related things i need to finish, in the remaining 4 days of this christmas "vacation". sigh.

i needed this special date with my self today just to keep on keeping on.

God help me use my renewed energies now to wipe all these To Dos out before i officially go back to work again!!!

blessings flow

ive just finished my cleaning, filing and organizing, and i texted my sister to ask if her daughter would like my old collection of Nancy Drew and Sweet Valley High books which id like to give away. she promptly texted back to say that Aia would love it, as much as Aia and her two other siblings loved the gifts i gave them last Christmas. my sister had a sweet way of describing what i did, of all the gifts they received, they loved yours best. you know their heart.

my heart further warmed to that, doubling my joy from just giving freely and with as much thought and care as i could. i feel blessed knowing i made my nieces and nephew really happy with their gifts.

***

and then, my aunt's secretary in cebu called me to say that my aunt, who's based in new jersey, but who has her export company in cebu, is sending each of us (including the kids) 500 bucks (10 dollars) each as Christmas gifts, through my bank account.

sure, it isn't much, but it's still a happy and surprise blessing. where i live, that's already worth a 2-hour spa massage session and a really rich and frothy cappuccino afterwards! : )

***

thank You, God, for these blessings too!

Finding Your Area of Excellence

from Farrah Gray, founder of Farr-Out Foods, who made his first million at age 14 (he said you have to find your area of excellence and ask your self these questions):

1. What do you do best? What comes easily to you but harder for others?

for me, it's communicating, particularly writing-- making the complex, easy to understand; finding meaning in apparent confusion, bringing out truths in a way that touches people directly and deeply, that people can quickly and easily relate with

2. What would you do year after year even if you never got paid for it?

writing

3. How can you be of service to others?

teaching, guiding; bridging gaps, promoting better understanding among peoples

*****

there, i go.

Phishing

it is funny how the mind works. even very simple, seemingly insignificant questions get answered, when asked in a state of mental clarity and calmness...

i was going through my old files yesterday to rearrange them in my shelves, and i came across an old folder with printouts on how the Web works, how to design web pages, etc., back in the days (1997) when the web was still new to the public and i was also also a newbie to this entire computer Windows and Internet stuff.

as i mentioned in an earlier blog, cleaning stuff out brings me to an active meditative state, and my mind must have been so clear and focused when i wondered, my... the Web and i have come a long way since then... although there are still new things i have to learn and keep learning... like phishing... what does that mean?

well, just a few seconds ago, i opened my email and i get an advisory email from my bank, explaining to me what phishing is and how i need to watch out for it! : O

Desire List 2006-08 a.k.a. Targets by Age 40

1. keep my self healthy, fit, well-toned, beautiful : ) -- eat right, drink right, live and breathe right, continue taking good care of my self and loving and nurturing my self well

2. continued healthy, happy, harmonious and loving relationships with my children, family, friends old and new, colleagues and the community i am in, wherever i am

3. visit mama by april-may 2006

4. be with J

5. update mortgage arrears by 2006

6. update land tax arrears by 2006

7. pay off the last of the credit card debts

8. pay off mortgage

9. financial and economic independence with multiple income streams, with my money working for me now instead of me working for my money; money flowing to me effortlessly from doing work i love to do and bringing value to people's lives and to the world in general

10. a beautiful two-storey, five-bedroom Filipino-Spanish home with a flower garden in front, an herb garden at the sides, and a vegetable garden at the back, in a nice, decent, friendly neighborhood like ours, or better

11. a bright red sports utility vehicle like the Toyota Innova, or better

12. a lemon-yellow convertible, like the Volks, or better

13. a lifelong career working from home writing stories for international publication, speaking/teaching at seminar circuits/lectures, travelling, doing international business from the net; a life's work promoting the power of the human spirit, cultural beauty and diversity, international understanding, peace and development

14. a vacation cottage by the sea, lake or river, with lush greenery and fauna and flora all around

15. writing stories that touch peoples' lives all over and that live on in people's minds, hearts and souls long after i do

Preparing for My Good

i have been spending Christmas Day and today quietly, reflectively, just staying at home, cleaning out stuff and sorting through my old files and rearranging my files and bookshelves.

this is like active meditation, doing something actively yet also going into a meditative, reflective state, as i sort through my old stuff and remember where ive been, how i was before, what i focused on before, and deciding whether it is still what i am about now, what i still want to focus on now, or whether i should let it go.

it is my way of "preparing for my good", making space for the new to come into my life by letting go of the old and the unusable to me anymore.

Receiving Gracefully

until this year, 2005, i have mostly been a most reluctant receiver although i have always been a most generous giver for most of my life, and learning how to receive gracefully and receive well, has been a struggle and intensive growth process for me.

reading the article in another blog below brought home the point how closely tied up my capacity to give and receive is to my material wellbeing, and it is indeed interesting to note how, this year, when ive been more consciously learning how to receive well, my material wellbeing has also improved greatly, from three years of survival mode to at least maintenance mode now.

my learning how to receive well has not only been closely tied up to my material wellbeing, but even to my emotional wellbeing, too. somehow, this year has been the year where there's been a major shift in the kind of friends i am still keeping (the users and the parasites have mostly dropped off) and the new ones i am attracting. and this extends even to men friends as potential romantic partners-- from the perennial "bad boy" and self-centered emotional vampire, non-committal player types to the more decent and honorable, honest and kind and giving ones.

still, it is a struggle. i still have this notion that i am obligated to "pay back" someone's goodness and generosity to me, somehow, that saying thank you and feeling sincere gratitude is not enough. wherever did i get that notion?!

i guess it all comes down to my upbringing, where our father has brought us up to earn our way, even gifts and love, by being a good obedient daughter or son, doing really well in school with top honors, and generally keeping quiet and staying out of trouble. so, whenever i receive something today, it is still a struggle to just relax into the joy of receiving and not feel like i have to earn it and pay it back in some way, some how.

God knows how many years ive spent just learning how to say a sincere and happy thank you when someone compliments me or says good things about me! i guess it must take many years more to learn and master how to relax into guilt-free and joyful receiving, although i also suspect it won't take as long, as i feel a certain quickening in my life now for the lessons im learning, as if they're all coming to a head now, and i am finally getting it right at last more effortlessly, with less angst.

my years of generous giving, though, has been my saving grace. since the sep, when i struck out on my own as a single parent to my three young kids, i sort of "harvested" help and assistance in many forms other than just the material, for the goodwill, respect and affection ive sown all these years among family, friends and strangers alike. even despite my bleakest times, someone would come along to tide me over just enough until i can stand up on my feet again, though wobbly so, and take a few more steps further along. what goes around comes around, indeed!!!

still, i want to even things up now by learning how to be a most open, accepting and graceful receiver, even as i want to more consciously focus on disciplining my mind towards only the things that are good and that bring me joy, and harnessing my will to work only on the desires i want to manifest, and not waste both my mind and will on self-destructive thoughts and aimless activities now, no matter how temporarily pleasurable these activities might be.

More than $600

so it is now Christmas Day. when i created this blog, it was to record my "experiments" in manifesting my desires, and i started out with the desire then to attract $600 by Christmas.

so did i get my $600? no and yes.

no, i didn't get my $600 in lump sum cold hard cash (as i was half-expecting it to arrive in that form... heehee...), and yes, i did get my $600 (well, actually more, in kind and in value...).

how did i get more than $600?

1. right after i consciously set out to attract it, J just nonchalantly said he's sending me first, $50, then another $50, for our idea to send family portraits done by a professional studio to mama, and then another $120 for thea's Ipod. by accounting cost alone, that amounts to $220 already, almost instantly! but the value of having the pictures arrive at mama's doorstep a day before Christmas, and how she called us all to simply thank us for such a wonderful and precious precious gift and how it made her sooo happy and her Christmas soo complete, far surpassed the cost of the pictures and the time we gave up from our other concerns in our lives to get together as a family, just to pose for her.

then, too, seeing my siblings so happy and excited with their pictures made me decide that im going to gift them with their copies, too, as well as papa. in a way, the pictures created their own magic; we now have very vivid and very tangible objects to see and touch and remember how happy we could be, how joyous, how peaceful, how harmonious... for even just a brief moment in time in our almost constantly conflicted family.

i wasnt able to buy Thea her Ipod with the $120 J gave, because when i went to the computer store to finally buy one, i found that it could only buy me an Ipod Shuffle (stores only 120 songs, at most, and it's only feature is you can "shuffle"/organize the order of your songs) when i would have wanted Thea to have the Ipod Mini (stores 1000 songs and you can do so much more than just shuffling them), at least. so, what i did, instead, was to place the money in a bright Christmasy money envelope, and drew out a little questionnaire with a checklist for her, saying: since you're all grown-up now, you have the power to choose your blessing in the form you want it-- ( ) buy Ipod Shuffle; ( ) get a new wardrobe; ( ) use as seed fund for saving up for an Ipod Mini; ( ) whatever you desire!

i never expected to even benefit from the giving to my 12-year-old, but i did. Thea hugged me and thanked me many times and said she knows how hard it must have been for me to find the money for all their gifts, and then sweetly said that she thinks she's changing her mind about Ipods. she said all her friends who have Ipods just use their Ipods for showing off anyway, and it doesn't mean anything more. she said she'd rather use the money for something more productive, like taking computer animation lessons come summertime, or more acting/voice/theater lessons, to follow her dream of becoming an international star someday!

of course, that gave me a sweet ache and made me misty-eyed!!! imagine that from a 12-year-old. my young lady's heart is in the right place, huh? i must be doing something right...

all of the above, just from J's $220! imagine that!

i have more blessings to count...

2. dec. 23, while i was finishing the last of my Christmas shopping (i only set out to shop for my own kids, but after revising my budget and my plans, i found that i could delay some items and free up more funds for my nephews and nieces and siblings, too), my sister shared with me that she was feeling frantic and panicky and guilt-ridden, just because she hadn't even started on her Christmas shopping even for her own kids yet, because funds were so tight, they were delivering on their catering business, but clients haven't paid up in full yet. she was crying that night, texting me from somewhere while waiting for a taxi, because all their vehicles were used for the catering business, and i felt so bad for her, i immediately prayed a demanding prayer, even: God, send my sister and her husband abundance and prosperity RIGHT NOW!!!

well, what do you know? ten minutes later, my sister texted me to let me know somebody just called her over the phone to place an order, and that they'll be paying in cash right that evening, just as their shop was closing!!! the new customer's order was worth 18k (around $300)!!!

so yesterday, my sister was finally able to do her Christmas shopping for her kids (i told her not to worry about me and my kids and the rest of the family. there was a time when she "carried" me the first two Christmases after the sep and i couldn't afford my own Christmas shopping; now it's my time to lighten her load too).

so, that makes $520 now.

3. i am just feeling so abundant and rich now, from all the gift-giving i did, even to family i normally didn't give gifts to, that the feeling is definitely worth more than just the $80 remaining to make my $600 come true.

i am realizing now that i didn't actually need the $600 itself, but for what it could bring me and my kids.

what i needed was the resources to be able to fulfill my kids' Santa wish list, and that came true so joyously my kids kept hugging and thanking me and each other and saying how they loved Christmas and how this is such a perfect Christmas for us!

of course, what i did was to use some resources i already previously budgeted to pay off my housing loan arrears, but i have a substitute workable plan for that now, just extending my paying-off period to a few more months till midyear next year... and so it's okay. i really don't need a $600 lump sum cash right now; i would need to pay off the arrears, and even the whole loan itself when i can (although it's a 25year loan with 15 years left to go), though. : ) so, maybe that's what i'll pray for next time, not an exact dollar amount, but the paying off of the loan itself.

4. ai! i almost forgot to mention, a day or two ago, while i was revising my budget and plans for next year, i got a call from an old college friend who works as the news bureau chief of our top national tv network now. she asked me if i could help her out as writer and consultant in integrating and consolidating all their division plans into one big master plan, and even add in my own ideas on recommendations to improve the network's ratings! : O (wow... i am amazed at her trust in my abilities!) and she wants it done before the New Year!

of course that would mean added income, definitely more than the $80 remaining to cover for the $600 i wished for!!!

oohhh HUGGGGSSSSS and blessed be, blessed me!!!

Giving, Receiving and Our Capacity for Wealth

more to say on my experiences and lessons with this in the next blog...

How To Use This Christmas To Expand Your Capacity To Give 
And Yet Grow Richer Financially*

By David Cameron Gikandi


Christmas, that time of the year is here again. I would suggest that you
use it wisely to learn more about your subconscious financial
blueprint, and expand it. Here is how.

At Christmas time, we give gifts. And we receive gifts. It is a time of
giving and receiving, perhaps the biggest such time of the year. What
else is about giving and receiving? Money! One of the top reasons why
 most people find it hard to acquire riches is because they are terrible
receivers, even worse than they are weak at giving.

If you look at all life, you will notice that it is all a process of exchange.
When you breathe, you breathe in and out. And a river gives water to
 the plants, the plants give water to the atmosphere, the atmosphere
gives to the rivers, and it continues. When any part gives, another
part receives. When you buy something, you give money and receive
 some kind of value from whatever you bought. Life is an exchange
that always involves give and take.

Your capacity to receive directly determines your wealth! So does
your capacity to give.

If you find it difficult to receive compliments, to be praised for your work,
to be paid highly for what you do, to be given random gifts by strangers,
to accept and see opportunities for expansion, and so on, you will find it
hard to become wealthy. If you feel that you do not deserve these things,
well, you will not get them. Likewise, if you find yourself unwilling - resisting
 - to part with your money when you pay for things that you want, or you
 find it hard to give some value to someone (say, helping them with something),
and so on, you will find it hard to become wealthy.

Therefore, your ultimate goal is to expand your internal capacity to give and
receive. Most people actually find it easier to give than to receive and so for
 many people receiving will be the side they would work on more.

Now, let us get into how you can expand these internal capacities. First, know
 that it is an internal job. You are simply going to make it OK for you internally
 to give more and receive more. In other words, you will simply start feeling
better about giving and receiving anything.  Feeling better. That is all. It means
 you feel less and less resistance to giving and receiving anything (compliments,
gifts, money, work, etc).  It means you move towards eliminating shame and
guilt when it comes to giving and receiving of anything. It means moving
towards feeling joy (the emotion of expansion) in any transaction, any give and take.

Therefore, the first step is to know how you currently feel, to become aware of
 where you are right now, and face it truthfully with compassion and openness.
Do not judge yourself for anything. How do you become more aware? You do so
by observing yourself this Christmas whenever you are buying a gift, giving it,
or receiving one. How do you honestly feel? Do not run away from any feeling -
welcome them all, whatever arises. This will show you where you stand when it
comes to giving and receiving. Most importantly, take notes. Just jot down your
 observations.  Having it all on paper is infinitely more powerful than "thinking
about it".

By the time Christmas is done, you should have a nice little notebook full of all
your feelings towards giving and receiving. This notebook will show you exactly
where you have difficulties allowing wealth to come your way. This is why:
Your results in life are determined by what you think and feel. You never act
 in ways that you have not thought about or felt about. Your thoughts and
feelings prompt whatever actions you take or don't take. In fact, they go as far
 as determining what opportunities you see or don't see, believe or don't believe.
The only problem is that a lot of us are not aware of what our feelings are because
 we try not to feel them! And so in that resistance, that avoiding to feel, we make
ourselves unable to consciously know what we feel. What is pushed out of conscious
awareness through resistance becomes unconscious.  Yet it still affects us and
our reality. The smart thing to do would be to make it conscious again so that
you can deal with it.

* David Cameron is the author of wealth and self development books such as
 A Happy Pocket Full of Money,  showing many how to create the lives of their
dreams and beyond. Download free trial ebooks and software,
plus free email courses from http://clicks.aweber.com/z/ct/?gDy_wHVDwdJ2xvAP1TvyNw

the right thing

i think i did the right thing by prioritizing the kids' Santa wish list items.

i arrived home from gift shopping for them late last night, and i think little Bea must have somehow wondered whether there was something special in the car (of course i hid the gifts in the trunk : >), because right after i went into the bedroom, i heard the car door close again, and i found her running from the car into the house and going directly to the Christmas tree, looking at the gifts under the tree again (these are assorted gifts from friends and relatives), gazed at the ones addressed to her, stroked them, hugged them, then re-arranged them more neatly under the tree.

then she went to the pc and clicked on the calculator function. apparently, she was trying to compute how many days more it would take before Christmas, as she asked Thea when Christmas would be and what date it was yesterday. : )

then, satisfied for the moment, she went back to watching tv.

***

the most "painful" part of my shopping yesterday was deliberating on whether to go ahead with purchasing the learning laptop Bea really wanted (Barbie, which cost 6k), or just any of the other China-made learning laptops, which cost one third of the Barbie laptop.

common sense would dictate that i purchase the cheaper ones; they still meet the requirements in her list-- a laptop-- didn't it?

but heart sense felt violated at the idea.

i remembered how it was when i was her age, hoping and wishing and praying for some particular item in my Santa list, and getting something like it on Christmas day, but not really the color/style/form i wanted. through a few more Christmases like that, i learned how to settle for less, for what's available, instead of staying close to my heart and going for my heart's desires, keeping passion for life alive. i remembered how, for most of my growing up years, i felt much older and wearier than i am now, simply because i almost forgot about my heart and its true desires, in favor of what was sensible and logical and rational and economic and efficient. : ( ... and i remembered how, for a long long time now, Christmas has been almost like a tiresome chore to tolerate and get done and over with. no wonder.

so i closed my eyes and stood by my self at a quiet corner of the toy store for a few minutes, and reflected on my decision. the Barbie laptop that Bea has been daily praying for and checking out for and hoping for, or the cheaper generic laptop which was more favorable to my budget?

the thought that i could be dampening my little girl's young heart and maiming her spirit by making her settle for less clinched it for me; i couldn't do that!!!

and so i bought her the Barbie laptop.

the saleslady who tested it for me had so much fun playing with it, i knew i did the right thing. i could already see Bea's eyes light up when she opens her gift on Christmas morning, and feel her heart soar, for heart and soul desires fulfilled, even when appearances seemed to go against its fulfillment.

the gift is as much for Bea as it is for me, an affirmation of faith in the goodness of life and the Universe and God, and miracles, and dreams coming true.

carpe diem

i went ahead today to withdraw the 18k i will be using to buy the top three items on the children's Santa list, with my worst-case scenario decision being that of paying only the housing loan company two months' worth of arrears and the rest to be renegotiated through monthly payments covering two months' arrears each month, until it is fully updated by midyear.

it's not that i spoil the kids; it's just that they're growing up and the items on their wish list for this year are techno items, like my eldest Thea's Wacom tablet, which i know she can put to good use anyway honing her artistic talents, and a push up towards her dream of becoming a computer animation artist. little Bea wants a Barbie laptop of her own and i saw one priced at 6k but very good for preschoolers her age, as it's a learning laptop too. Polo wants those model robots and cars which he has started collecting by buying one each time he saves up enough for them and i see the painstaking effort and concentration he puts into building those models for hours on end.

i see it as not just buying toys for them but investing in their minds and talents.

the house can wait. ive done it before, i'll do it again. besides, with the tough times these days, i also know that the government housing loan company has more loan defaults than prompt payments these days, and that they are very open to renegotiations as long as the loan is not completely defaulted. i did my research. : )

then, too, im making room for that magical $600 to manifest itself. : )

this is my way of trusting in the Universe and its abundance, by going ahead anyway to fulfill my heart's (my children's hearts, actually, but my children are my heart, too) desires, secure in the thought that we will be taken care of and provided for with whatever needs that come up next.

just walking trustingly now, one foot in front of the other, not really sure what's beyond the bend, but with childlike faith and trust that we will be okay.

counting my blessings

i have learned not so long ago to more consciously count my blessings, not only to maintain peace of mind and an abiding consciousness of abundance and prosperity, but more to ward off negativity and pessimism.

so today, here are the blessings i counted--

-- sweet private time alone in the morning watching a very nice film, "Punch Drunk Love", undisturbed by the little ones as they were still sound asleep;

-- later in the morning, the sound of the little ones' uncontrollable giggling and peals of laughter as they played together in the living room;

-- the computer shop's telling me i needn't pay for the recent repairs anymore as they treated it as a back job and a christmas treat for me!;

-- a fellow writer-friend's texting me to let me know my book and i are featured in a national magazine and in a most favorable light at that : D;

-- recalling the fun my brother and sister and i had with our children yesterday during the photo shoot, as i collected the pictures later this afternoon, and gazed at the pictures again, and sorted out which ones i'll be sending to mama tomorrow, and which ones to give to each of the families; feeling rich and abundant treating my siblings and i and our parents to this precious memorabilia of a rare happy time together;

-- my favorite chicken ala king and carbonara dinner, and the kids' favorite pizza, which i bought on take-out tonight just before returning home;

-- being able to work on my pc again;

-- a most productive day today and relaxing evening tonight, despite a little upset when i got home (the car horn didnt work, so i had to holler to the maid to open the gate... : ( that shook my poise, and i was already tired and cranky, so i stepped inside venting my crankiness... blush, blush!)

--simply being alive to be able to still count my blessings and even write about my upsets right now.

blessed be, blessed me!!!

it's not what you haven't got...(yet)

the kids and i had a fun time yesterday with my sister and brother and their families.

mama, who's based in faraway atlanta, georgia, has recently had a heart attack which she thankfully survived--- this, after a stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis in 2000, a triple heart-bypass in 2003, and then starting on her thrice-weekly dialysis that same month she had her heart-bypass in 2003.

needless to say, mama has been feeling sentimental now, feeling her time running out, and with us here so far away from her, missing us so.

it was J's idea actually to send me the two $50s, for a family portrait for everyone and for each sub-family, to send to mama in time for christmas. i mentioned it to my sister and brother who instantly liked it too, and so yesterday, we all trooped to the photo studio to have our pictures taken.

first, there was the free make-up, which all of us girls eagerly lined up for, even the littlest one, ella (my sister honey's youngest). then each of our "sub-families" got to have our pictures taken, after which the whole group picture shots followed. for a while, it was the usual formal poses... but then, after we were all done, honey had this instant idea to do some wacky poses too, seeing the kids running around with the hats and feather and sequiny costume accessories all over the studio.

and that's exactly what we did!!!

ooh, my, we had the time of our lives hamming it up for the cam! when the pictures came out in the computer, we laughed at ourselves all over again; we looked like one big tv sitcom family!!!

we had dinner together at some chinese fastfood place a while later, and the mood was happy and celebratory--- a very rare treat for our very passionate and seemingly perennially besieged family. i had the feeling that this is the beginning of something new in our lives; it felt like a perfect Christmas evening already.

so anyway, i went home feeling much richer than just the $600 i was worrying about a few days ago. since i decided to let go yesterday, my attitude has been, i won't even waste time and energies worrying about it anymore. if it comes, it will come; if it won't, maybe i have a deeper lesson to learn from it.

and although Christmas is still five days away, some part of my mind is already looking at the if it won't come part, just in case (that's my business training kicking into place, always prepare for the worst-case scenario, and then you're okay : > ). and here is what im thinking now:

why not juggle items in the budget around a bit again, as you have always done? why not write the housing loan company another nice letter, go there and turn on the charm again, and renegotiate for updating the mortgage in installments, to be updated by the middle of next year? indeed, why not? so you can free up funds for the kids' gifts?

yes, why not?

ive done this for so long, now, budgeting, then juggling items in the budget, learning to delay, stall, negotiate for non-monetary exchange deals, or even eliminate desires altogether,what's another try?

i see now that it's precisely because of what i haven't got before that i developed inner gifts instead-- patience, forbearance, creativity, assertiveness, even powerful negotiating skills--which i wouldn't have acquired if life were "softer".

and now here comes a new blogger friend, SoORObserver (the only "commentor" on this incognito blog so far), whose fun way of looking at things helps me out of my worries and anxieties and reminds me again how everything is relative.

i sought out to "attract" $600 for christmas, but i am actually now being blessed with so much more.

letting go

i was too tired and sleepy and downhearted last night to even open chapter 4, much less do some more clarifying exercises on my journal.

so i climbed into bed instead, said our prayers with my youngest, Bea, thanking God for everything in our lives--

thank you, God, for our food
for our house and keeping it safe,
for our happy home
and healthby bodies
and happy family.
thank you, God, for this Christmas vacation when we get to do anything that we pleased,
for toys, and movies, and books,
and friends and family and all that is good!

--and somehow, that made me feel a lot better, and as i drifted off to sleep i decided that i'd just let God and let go, just giving my burden of worries and anxieties and frustrations up to Him/Her! im not doing a lot keeping it close to me, might as well give it up.

today i woke up still feeling groggy, but lighter. a little thought tried to assail me again, you've given it up to God, what if you won't get the $600 in time for christmas anyway?

i shrugged it off and said, so what? then i will just have to make do with whatever i have and try to make the best of it. the kids and i have been through worse, and we've not only survived but thrived beautifully. we are already so rich and so blessed in so many other ways! the money will come when it's time, i trust and know that now. God will provide, God always provides. there's more where all these good things come from, for sure!

that silenced that little annoying birdie off. hmp.

murky again : (

the struggle is not only in getting clear, though, but in staying clear. and it is not just error thoughts that make the mind murky, there are also those unsavory feelings that come with those error thoughts.

right now, i am feeling frustrated. Windows won't start in my other computer again, and the thought of bringing the pc back to the computer shop for check up and repairs early tomorrow morning, when ive only gotten it back last thursday for the same problem, upsets me. the thought of additional costs for repairs also frustrates me.

ive been trying to be a better manager of my finances now, strictly sticking to a budget according to my goals, and even building up a savings fund for the kids' tuition next year so it doesnt have to be deducted anymore from my salary at the university where i teach, come June, when it's usually the lowest-funds time for me with all those school opening deductions.

but now, this.

i guess the lesson it's teaching me is im not that economically strong and stable yet to have a budget that has a buffer zone for little emergencies like this, and that is what i should factor in when i update my budget and planning next time.

(hmmm.... that last insight just came to me as i was writing this! well, at least, a good lesson came out of the experience, thank you!!! i am feeling a lot better now than when i started this blog a few minutes ago!)

*****

ive been feeling a growing sense of worry and anxiety, too. my budget cannot cover the christmas gifts for my kids, the ones in their Santa list, as the christmas bonus i am receiving this year i will be using to update the arrears on the housing mortgage payments, so i can get back on track with my housing loan come New Year's.

i've been aiming "to attract" at least $600 for Christmas since ive started reading The Attractor Factor but right now i am not feeling so attractive. : (

i am, instead, feeling anxious and worried and clingy, when i also know, in theory, that this is the time when i should already have let go and just let the Universe do it's work.

actually, the $600 is almost half-fulfilled, when i think about it now, with J's sending me first, $50, for the gift for mama, then another $50 just in case it won't cover the whole cost of the gift for mama, then $120 by next week for the gift for Thea. but those are for mama and for Thea, with only a little left over for the two little ones. : (

still, come to think of it, J's offer to send me these additional funds actually came right after i made the $600 wish while reading The Attractor Factor, yet im still feeling anxious and worried and doubtful now. how can i be so ungrateful to the Universe!!! oh, God.

i know, too, that the way to overcome feelings like this that get one un-clear again, is to decide to be happy right now, and the quickest way to do that is through gratitude, thanking God and the Universe for all the blessings in my life and all the coming ones, too.

but i must admit, right now, as in RIGHT NOW, even thinking up things i am grateful for, and feeling grateful, seems like a heavy heavy burden and struggle.

sigh.

God help me! God save me from my self!

instant magic

it's funny how it's so true-- things do come to you effortlessly and even quickly once you get clear!

after i did that clarity exercise some days ago, soon after (as in A FEW MINUTES after), a colleague at the university i work for whom i only share polite pleasantries with texted me to ask me if i was interested in submitting a proposal for a writing project the Chinese community organization she's involved in wants to have done.

being a reluctant Chinese my self (i am half Chinese and have had unhappy childhood experiences in a private Chinese school as an outcast, a half-breed... ), i hedged at the offer saying i was too busy to add on another project, with my calendar full until the end of the year. but then, i remembered how The Attractor Factor cautioned against dismissing the good that is coming to you in any form.... so although i hedged, i kept one door open. when she asked for my fees, though, i figured a higher rate would discourage her so i doubled my usual fee. to my surprise, she didnt even flinch and proceeded to ask me to submit a proposal by early next year.

if the proposal is approved, it means another 45k in the pocket for me! : O

then, days later, my brother came to visit and saw the old and non-functional washing machine lying around in the yard, waiting for the junk shop to pick it up. i didnt know it, but the maid kidded him about it, how it's a problem for us now to do our washing with the washing machine retired for good.

i had been cracking my head for 2 weeks on how to stretch my budget further to accommodate a new washing machine without buying it on credit, and so, when my brother came in to just nonchalantly say he's giving me a new washing machine for christmas, my jaw dropped!

wowwww.... what a few seconds of working on getting clear can do!

where did those come from?

the little exercise on getting clear below amazed me about my own deepseated thoughts and beliefs about riches...

now that they are out in the open, the next thought that comes to my mind is-- where did those messages come from? do i really believe them, consciously? do i still want to believe them?

- what would my parents think? what would my family think? that i get so rich so quickly and so easily without much effort? without the long-suffering and struggle that they would expect me to have? how dare i betray them and their own stories of pain, long-suffering and struggle?

- what if i become so filthy/obscenely rich i alienate them? or i won't know who really loves me anymore? they might just want me for my money now, not really for who i am... : (

- i might end up totally isolated and alone. i don't want to end up totally isolated, unloved and alone!!!

i suddenly have the feeling that i have been allowing aliens to occupy rent-free space in my mind for so long now, without my being even aware of it!

i think the first message basically comes from my middle-class immigrant parents and my upbringing, and the school and middle-class culture i grew up in: WORK HARD, GET RICH. maybe even religion: THE ONLY LEGITIMATE WEALTH IS THE WEALTH YOU WORKED/SUFFERED HARD FOR.

the second and third messages seem to be from general media/pop culture/soap operatic films' brainwashing: THE REALLY RICH ARE LONELY AND ALONE.

wow.

wooowwwwwwww.

do i really believe those things?

do they really reflect who i am now, what i want to be?

what's so wrong with getting rich effortlessly, without pain, with much joy and fun?

why would it follow that to be rich is to be lonely and alone?

..... hmmmm.....

more to think about here.... more to say on these.

getting clear: it is good to be rich

here is an example of my struggles in "getting clear"...

most of the time, we say we want something bad, we even work real hard at achieving it, but... the opposite of what we want actually happens.

it is explained by abundance literature as not "being clear" about what you really want; your conscious mind says it wants one thing, your subconscious mind gets in the way by focusing on other, usually opposite, things instead.

the way to "getting clear", to getting both your conscious and subconscious mind to get their act together, is to exhume what the subsconscious mind thinks about, bring it out into the open, and "frame" it (as Stuart Lichtman would say) or do a mental "spring cleaning" (as Mama Gena would say). the point is to bring it out into the open to expose it to fresh air, and see it for the irrational, illogical, senseless fear/anxiety/doubt that it is.

if to be able to name a thing is to be able to control it and manage it, if not to own it, then bringing out your subconscious thoughts on a matter is a way of being able to get hold of and manage that fear/anxiety/doubt, and clear your self of it.

im still in the midst of reading The Attractor Factor, and one exercise there in "getting clear" is to check one's responses to the following statements:

- "Money is a natural manifestation of the universe."
- "It's good to be rich."
- "I don't have to work hard for my money."
- "I am destined for great wealth."
- "My staff earns money for me."
- "I handle money and wealth well."

while reviewing the list, i found that i stumbled over two particular statements-- "It's good to be rich" and "I don't have to work hard for my money".

so i proceeded to write down on my journal whatever thoughts that came to mind in response to those two statements. what i discovered amazed me about my own deep-seated beliefs about wealth and prosperity...

- uhm.... good?.... yeah... well... i guess so.... but i'm not so sure...
- what would my parents think? what would my family think? that i get so rich so quickly and so easily without much effort? without the long-suffering and struggle that they would expect me to have? how dare i betray them and their own stories of pain, long-suffering and struggle?
- what if i become so filthy/obscenely rich i alienate them? or i won't know who really loves me anymore? they might just want me for my money now, not really for who i am... : (
- i might end up totally isolated and alone. i don't want to end up totally isolated, unloved and alone!!!

and then, a little later, my own "rebound"...

- "filthy?" "obscenely" rich? is there really such a thing as filthy and obscene riches, when i can use whatever riches i have to help others too?
- i am a wonderful, giving, wise, compassionate and loving person. i can never really be totally isolated; it is in my being, my nature, to always keep connected... even to total strangers
- i know my value too as a worthwhile human being, and i have developed the gift of discernment now to see through people who are only out to get something from me... i trust my self to discern that wisely now
* so what's wrong with being rich? Heavens, yes, it IS GOOD to be rich! why, it is great, it is sublime, it is BLISS to be rich!
* and i deserve to be rich! i am rich now, even as i speak and write. everything good and great is coming my way!!! thank You, God!!!

the "re-start"

as with all adventures, this one started (or, more appropriately, "re-started" again after some time of just living "normally"...) from a general feeling of lack and the thought that, "surely, there must be more to life than this!"

i think i Google-searched for "abundance" or "prosperity" or other such similar words, and the first site i got seriously interested in was The Science of Getting Rich, where they even had a free e-book and some really nice screensavers you can download. then i was led to Stuart Lichtman's Cybernetic Transposition, and some more other similar sites on abundance and prosperity and manifesting your heart's desires. i shared them with a friend, who bought for me Joe Vitale's "The Attractor Factor", which im still reading right now.

they all basically say the same thing in different ways, and these things are:

1. the Universe/God/Goddess is a loving and an abundant, limitless source of supply for all our needs and wants;
2. we are using so much less of our God-given powers to co-create the life we desire when we allow ourselves to continue to be trapped in past negative conditioning, error thoughts and self-doubts;
3. everything is Energy;
4. what we focus on is what we eventually manifest into reality through the universal Law of Attraction where like attracts like;
5. like electricity, the circuit (mind) with the least impedance is the best conductor of this power;
6. when we wake up to this consciousness and begin using more of our powers, then we also become like gods and goddesses, in God's own likeness, as we were meant to be.

i have always "known" these things and further validated my knowing of these things since youth, through my own intensive readings and self-study and reflection and of course, applications and experiments. but they have never coalesced for me into one big coherent whole until now, when i can more clearly see how everythng and everyone is so connected, and how the mind can be so magical when harnessed properly.

my struggle throughout all these, though, has always been getting past the negative conditioning and error thoughts, learning to trust my self and the Universe more... "getting clear", so to speak, so that the blessings of this wonderful Universe can more easily and speedily flow to me and through me. so most of my struggles from age 12 to now (wow, that's a quarter of a century already!) has been growing beyond my past conditioning from parents, family, school, community, society, religion, and replacing my error thoughts with the correct universally principled ones.

through it all, i have gradually learned to trust my self and the Universe more, through a hit-or-miss kind of process, some days living "normal", some days living magically from the core, going by my guts and wits alone.

i think i have evolved to a point now where the externals don't get to me as much as the internals do. and this is my struggle, right now, the negative self-talk i am still prone to fall into especially when things don't seem to be going my way.

if (when) i can do this well, to master my own mind at last and apply my intention and will more clearly and focusedly on what i want to manifest, then i would have become my own Goddess at last. until then, i am my own goddess in progress, my life as my own magical masterpiece in the making.

and so, this is where i begin The Begin.

hello, magic

i already have five blogs elsewhere--

one for everyday life's happenings,
another for my journey as a woman,
still another for my soul's darker, deeper journeys,
then another for my journey as a writer,
and finally another to capture bits and pieces of all these happenings and journeys.

one would think i already have enough to keep me occupied, and then, still, here comes this sixth blog.

somehow, i am finding out that blogs create their own offspring when the right time comes. i have been trying to write these days on my personal experiments and adventures in finally more consciously and with full intent harnessing the powers of my mind... but, they don't seem to belong anymore to any of the above-mentioned blogs.

somehow, i am feeling that writing about them there would lessen their impact, and would even make them be misinterpreted and misunderstood.

another thing, too, is that i already have some sort of a loyal "following" among family, friends, loved ones and even newfound blogger friends in those other blogs, and i feel a bit constrained about what i am going to write about, because some part of me is anxious that they might think i might have gone over my deep end... : S

these are just experiments, and i want to be unfettered and free as i embark on this new (well, not really so new... ive been doing them for most of my life, though undocumented) adventure!