Thursday, January 12, 2006

clarity and bliss

i must be getting good at this thing-- getting clear and staying in the feeling of joy, steps 3 and 4 respectively in The Attractor Factor.

the last "getting clear" battle has been four days ago, yet, im still enjoying the fruits until now.

here is how that battle went (as handwritten in my old trusty journal):

Jan. 8, 2006
Sunday
1:28 p.m.

i am stolidly working on checking my students' Econ. 1 manuals, but i hear the voices of the accusing, self-bashing, guilt-tripping Discouragement Sorority at the door now, tearing it down just by their incessant cackling--

-- "see? we told you so. if you worked on these during the Christmas break, you needn't have to be working so hard on this now."

--"how can you be such a slacker now? how dare you prioritize fun and joy and celebrating Christmas first before work? How could you be soo SINful?"

--"maybe you don't have what it takes anymore, huh? you used to be able to tackle intense work straight in one sitting, but now it's taking you days!!! and even in one sitting now, how can you be needing more frequent pauses and breaks, just to keep going at your work? maybe you've just gotten older, over the hill, that's why you're slackening off. maybe you don't have what it takes anymore to produce as much as you used to, maybe you never really had what it takes."

***

hmmmm... strangely, i am hearing Papa's voice over and over again in these words, my stern unforgiving, relentless taskmaster...

***

my horoscope today said that all the pressure im feeling is basically all the pressure i put on my own self, when everybody else is just naturally enjoying life and my presence even... hmmm.... true, huh?



just the very act of writing down my thoughts and feelings on paper that afternoon already clarified me, even if i wasn't even able to resolve it in my journal.

and just the feeling of clarity itself is such pure joy, pure bliss.... ive been floating on that joy and bliss since then, just doing the next thing that comes up and doing it well, not worrying anymore about unfinished To Dos (i temporarily stopped scheduling my To Dos; instead i just wrote all of them down on a single sheet of paper, and each time im finished with one task, i just look at the paper and choose. it gives me a feeling of such freedom and power to be able to choose what To Do i want to do next... instead of feeling trapped by deadlines and schedules.) : >

and i find, at the end of the day, that i am more peaceful and fulfilled and thankful, for so much good in my life.

*****

i guess i am doing good on my basic New Year's resolution to make it a first priority to take really good and loving care of my self this year, in all ways, huh?

ohhhhhhh, HUGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSS to me!!! : ) : ) : )
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