Sunday, March 26, 2006

sponsoring thoughts and my secret garden

a sponsoring error thought snuck up on me last night, and somehow deflated my balloon a bit, until i arrested it by falling asleep instead.

i wake up now and that's the first thing i think of-- how our most wonderful day yesterday, the kids and i, was ruined for me at the end of it by a sponsoring error thought, which led to more error thoughts.

i started the day by waking up at dawn, as usual, when the kids are asleep, and i have the quiet house all to my own, working on my Peace Psychology assignment, which i promised my professor id submit by noon yesterday.

oohhhh the working was good, the intellectual juices flowing. i put on the headphones and listened to HAV1 music in the background even as i focused on my assignment. i submitted my assignment by 11:30a.m., and feeling proud and very satisfied for having done such quality work, according to my very high standards too.

in between, i brought paolo to his taekwondo class, then came to pick him up again after i finished my assignment.

bea and i met him at the mall going down the stairs and complaining of a headache (again). that concerned me; he's been having a runny nose and cough for a week now, despite the medicines ive been giving him. id like to think that his headaches are caused by a stuffy nose, with the phlegm sort of stuck somewhere higher up in his nose, but now im not so sure.

he did ask for ice cream, though, to feel better, and i gave in. he had his ice cream but on the drive home, he fell asleep holding his ice cream.

anyway, when we arrived home i told him he'd better take paracetamol and go to bed. if he doesnt feel better by 2pm, we'd have to forego his taekwondo promotion test in the afternoon.

he did fall asleep, and i took a nap along with him.

at 2pm, he woke me up saying he felt much better. just to be sure, i said, go take a shower so you will be fresh and renewed for your taekwondo test.

i woke up 30 minutes later with the kids all dressed up and paolo back to his usual hyper, talkative self.

so we went to his taekwondo promotion.

the girls had fun taking turns taking pictures of him and each other and me. i let them be and just watched, savoring the mental break, until i do my next assignment in Religious and Ethical Perspectives on Peace, due today.

from then on, it was good again. paolo did very well in his taekwondo test and is now at high yellow belt level. then i treated the kids to a celebratory early dinner at Jollibee's and i was gratified to see paolo eating so well, for a change. a tiny, nagging worry crept up, though, when paolo used the small towel we brought along to cover himself up, because he said he was feeling cold from the aircon.

after the meal, we went to the nearby mall, and paolo asked if he could buy a Playstation 2 cd, for which he would repay me later at home from his savings. i mulled a moment, rearranging my budget in my mind, but then thea quickly joined and told me i don't have to pay her back the 2500 i still owe her from her Ipod target savings, as she has changed her mind anyway and don't have any plans on buying other things for her self now, but could we buy Paolo his cd now, as well as another one for her please?

that made me smile; how the kids help me think through my budget and try to make things easier for me. they are such wonderful loving thoughtful young human beings, and i am so proud of them and feel blessed by them.

so they had fun picking out their cds, while bea asked for a cookie lollipop for her self. and so we had a wonderful time again.

but on the way home, i was telling paolo that maybe we should take him to the doctor today, for a check up just to make sure. and paolo agreed.

but quietly, i ruminated at how it will wreck my budget now: a simple trip would take at least P500. i foresaw taking that out of what would have been bea's art lesson budget of 2000 come summer...

and then, the sponsoring thoughts, which were more like instant wordless thoughts than actually worded, conscious thoughts--

- ooh, bea won't be able to take her art lessons after all! i so wanted for her to have this now, as she's always the one left behind at home when paolo and thea have their lessons and all!
- maybe i'll just ask bea now that we'll buy her an inexpensive P300 art kit, to make up for it (and she'll surely say yes), so that frees up also the rest of the 2k budget for me to use for other things at home?
- oh god, here we go again, feeling constrained and tight, i hate it!
- i hate it when things don't go the way i planned them to be;
- isn't that nice, being the control freak again, huh?
- maybe it's really better for me not to be budgetting and sticking strictly to any budget at all; we've seemed to manage fine enough without them, and i feel better too, for having not to worry!
- let God and the Universe take care of us; God always provides; there's always more where these come from!
- ohhh my, isn't that mighty irresponsible of you, to throw away budgetting just so you can feel better and not worry?!!!

and so, those series of thoughts and arguments with my self, which occurred in only a few seconds, suddenly made me feel quite glum and blue and worrying again, worrying that there is not enough out there to go around with, and going back to negative, constricting scarcity mentality again.

how vulnerable i still am, huh, despite all my work.

but, at least, i can quickly trace them now, these sponsoring error thoughts.

still, one must always be on guard.

i see my mind now as a garden i am tending, and which is starting to bloom and bear beautiful fruit, without the weeds at last.

but, like the garden in The Secret Garden, i am learning that i must pay attention to it, pay loving and faithful attention in taking care of it, nurturing it, never letting any single stray weed even sprout, or it will just quickly bring down all the beautiful things that i have grown and built up so far.


hmmm... look what i just got from my subscription email --

an interesting, synchronistic rejoinder to what i have just experienced and learned from!
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