Sunday, March 12, 2006

adept

i think im getting quite adept at this thing-- working well with my mind at last, i mean.

after the last post, i did Holosync again the next day and it was better. on thursday, i did Silva first, then the Holosync, then listened to the HAV1 music in the background. i did that again last saturday. since then, ive been "high", needing very little sleep, with energies so amped up, that even after the The Vagina Monologues rehearsals which lasted till midnight last thursday and friday, and then the show last night, i have still been very energized after i got home.

(well, the vibes at the rehearsals were very positive, too, so that must have kept the amped energy levels up further...)

anyway, i am finding that i can do every other day with my "formal" meditations, as long as i make it a point to listen to my HAV1 meditations every day, even if they were in the background only and i was doing other things.

***

show night was grand. my prayers were answered-- i delivered my lines not only without a hitch, but i was able to deliver them from my heart and soul, not "acting them out" anymore, and during my speaking parts, i could palpably feel that i had the audience's full attention. i elicited laughs where they should laugh, i made them fall seriously quiet in the parts where i was going deeper, speaking about fears and anxious memories.

i am still basking in the after-show feelings of joy from doing a work well done, and from the womanly bonding with my co-cast members, women whose ages ranged from 14 to above 60, different characters and personalities all, but one in the womanly experiences we all shared.

***

so today, even with the brownout and the heat, i didnt let it get us down. i took the kids out to the malls instead and hung out there for almost the whole day, just enjoying the break from work and worries and anxieties. secretly, wordlessly, i already thought and felt that i could live like this forever, working on work i loved to do, and moving past worry and anxiety now, just doing what i can do each day as well as i can, and enjoying what i have accomplished at the end of the day.

***

while waiting to go home tonight, standing by the video shop door waiting for the kids to make their rental selections. i was quietly calculating in my mind my coming week's budget.

it was weird. all the happy feelings and positive and energized vibes of the past four days--quickly gone in a few seconds.

i was quicker to trace back to the erring thought which burst my bubble this time, though-- the erring thought was, "what if my aunt's secretary forgets to transfer my fee on time again, like she did last month?"--and catch it, and frame it, and see it for the unfounded fear that it was.

even so, i acknowledged the thought and quickly projected to the worst case scenario of it coming true, and after some more calculations and adjustments, i could see that i could last even up to when my butterfly biz commission comes in on the 20th, when my aunt's secretary will surely remember my consultancy fee, too, because she gets a reminder from my uncle about my butterfly biz commission every 20th of the month.

so, that eased my anxieties and starting-to-act-up upset feelings a lot. in fact, as im writing this now, i find that they are quickly evaporating into thin air!

***

i wonder now if this was what stuart lichtman was talking about in his cybernetic transposition discussions.... or maybe it was in EFT... but i remember i read from somewhere that the trick is to catch the erring thought, the thought that caused the feeling, and to bring that thought up to light, acknowledge it, yet also examine it for its validity against reality, experience and intuition.

i also remember now that that's why meditation helps, because it causes you to grow in self-awareness, in watching your thoughts and even catching them as they come and go, in growing in the consciousness that your thoughts are yours but they are not you, and so you still have final control and say about the quality of your thoughts, and changing them to fit your intentions.
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