Tuesday, March 07, 2006

after the first try

after the first try i felt so relaxed i fell asleep. i meditated with my Holosync cd at 530am (usually quite a late time for me to wake up, as my regular wake up time is between 2-3am), finished by 6, updated my blogs and did some emails, but fell asleep by 7:30a.m. i next woke up at 11:30 a.m.

i wonder now if being brought down to Delta level did that? Delta is supposed to be the level of sleep and unconsciousness; the challenge of meditation is to harness this tremendous creative power in Delta by going there, staying there, yet not falling asleep.

anyway, i woke up only near noon because i was awakened by my brother's voice in the living room. he had come to return to me some legal papers for the bank because there were corrections to be made.

i don't know why, but i suddenly felt upset.

maybe i felt upset at the implications for the sudden change in my plans for the rest of the day (i planned to stay in to write and work on some projects, as i wasn't meeting my classes today since they were supposed to work on their projects). my loving brother was quick to pick that up as he quickly assured me not to worry, to do it only when i can, as there's no rush anyway.

i normally would have quickly felt better with that, but i didn't, not today. i then remembered all the things i needed to do and finish and i felt even more upset and irritated. the overriding thought in my mind was, " if i wasn't so tied down to my university job, i could do all these other things quickly, promptly and efficiently...", and that thought brought me further down. : (

i went to the beauty parlor by early afternoon, to have an overdue pedicure and manicure. i thought, too, that that would quickly bring me up again, as pamperings like these always do. and it did. especially as my eldest, thea, accompanied me, and then i accompanied her to shop for her dance costume. i felt better with our little date, but still, the feeling of nagging irritation didn't completely go away.

while driving home, i wondered now if this was an effect of the meditation, too, bringing up subconscious negative feelings ive ignored... and i reminded my self to just "witness" it this time, and not get so hard on my self for having them. and i did.

and as i watched, a strong wave of missing J came up, and has stayed with me until now. my eyes got misty and my throat ached from allowing the wave of missing J wash over me... and now im just crying from missing him so, from wanting to be together with him now yet feeling frustrated that it can't be... not yet, anyway...


***

so, all the irritated and upset feelings this whole time is just due to missing J, huh?

i wonder now if this is a good time for me to go deeper into meditation. when little emotional upheavals like these come up, i am unable to do anything much at all... and considering all the work i still need to do before school finishes at the end of this month, maybe i should just postpone going deeper into meditation until summer vacation, which starts next month?
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