Sunday, February 11, 2007

Meditation questions

i am just finishing class 2 of my free online meditation course this week, and i would like to ask from anyone out there who might be reading this and is also experienced in meditation if my experience is common and how to deal with it.

the first time i used the guided meditation audio in class 2, at that part where one is guided to go to the bottom of the ocean/one's deepest self, i spontaneously just cried so profusely. it was both so profoundly deep and beautiful. by the way, when i did this meditation, in my visualization, my Beloved-- who, due to work and financial reasons, is currently apart from me-- joined me in my visualization. i mean, he was there, from start to finish. it seemed so natural so i just let the images flow. so anyway, when i came to that bottom of the ocean part, he was right there with me too, facing me and smiling and holding my hands. and it was when i cried; no one has ever been this close to me before.

the next time i used the same session, though, i thought i should tell him in my visualization that he should just rest and sleep, and that i should do this alone. anyway, when i came to the floating over the ocean part, the image of him sleeping on his tummy, seemingly with his arm over the body of a woman, flashed. my immediate reaction to that image was to turn away and to forget about it, but i couldn't, so even as the session proceeded, i was bothered, so i forced my self to look at the image again.

when i looked closely this time, apparently, what i thought was the very white body of a still, sleeping woman, was a white blanket covering a huge pillow.

even in my meditation, i wondered why this image happened in the first place. and then, the answer just came to me just as quickly, "face your deepest fear."

and i cried again profusely at this, because indeed, this was my deepest fear, to be betrayed this way again (i left my previous and only marriage because of this and many other betrayals, 5 years ago). and as i stayed there and forced my self to look at the image, i cried at the realization of how this has been the major block in my relationship with my Beloved now (whom i have known only for 8 months but who has shown seriousnss and consistency in both his words and actions at building a life and future together for us),as far as im concerned,because im always quick to think of negative thoughts, etc. whenever he's away or not communicating with me for a while...

anyway, in both instances, i cried from being touched so deeply, and after the last session two days ago, ive stopped meditating for a while, because im afraid now of what other fears it may force me to confront but which im not ready for...

so im asking now of more experienced meditators out there-- is this a common experience in meditation (dredging up one's deepest fears)? and what does one do/how does one deal with this?

thank you for whatever help/enlightenment any one can extend.

many blessings!
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