It's been five years (going on 6 this year) since I started this blog and this experiment. It's been one wild, messy, unpredictable adventure but well worth it! I have now love, joy, peace, healing and good health, wisdom and abundance in my life. More importantly, I have grown spiritually and have been "set aright", restored, come "home" to Me at last.
One last thing that still bugs me, though, is why money still comes in trickles in my life. Ohh, I get what I need, just in time, and I have enough, but that's just it-- I just have enough. There's still tomorrow to think about and I still get anxious and worried sometimes, although less so now than 5 years ago, because I KNOW now, I am always provided for.
Still, surely, there must be more to Life than this! Surely, my Father God meant for me more abundance than this?!
Yesterday was the last straw. I just got my commission from a family business project I'm in, and after treating my self to a long- and much-deserved facial and beauty salon treat and my favorite Tantanmen with bottomless red iced tea at RaiRaiKen (Feel good! Keep the "vibrational pose" of Joy, is what I call it), I had just enough to cover the next immediate needs at home and my youngest daughter's new outfit for her older sister's birthday party this coming Saturday. Then, I started thinking about the other things to cover still in the next days, and actually started feeling anxious, too, not knowing where the next set of funds will come from.
So, to quell the growing anxiety, I kept reminding my self Facebook for Christ's admonition: "Just because you don't see a way doesn't mean God doesn't have a way!" I also kept repeating to my self my
ACIM (A Course in Miracles)
Lesson 233: "I give my life to God to guide today" and these helped to stem the growing tide of worry and doubt in me. (I've gotten quite good at this now.)
If God guided me to just go ahead and cover for the needs today, "What next then, God?" -- was my silent thought as the day ended, though. Although I felt good from the treat and being able to cover the day's needs; I also had only P300 left. Still, I raised the question up to God in my heart, and just kept on the stance of waiting and being empty, for God's guidance to fill me and lead me.
Before I slept last night, I continued my reading of Pete Sanders' "
You are Psychic
!"; I'm down to the last few chapters now, exactly on the chapter on self-healing and biofeedback. Then, as I rested, I was drawn to the book on my bedside table, which I retrieved from my library last New Year's Day while I was doing New Year's cleaning: Dr. Joseph Murphy's "
The Power of Your Subconscious Mind
."
I skipped the first chapters and went straight to the chapters on wealth and riches, and this time, I understood the words better. (I read them more than 20 years ago and even underlined important parts, but I never really
understood them, at a heart and soul level.)
(Here comes the program debugging part...)
And I basically re-learned this: why I'm still not getting the avalanche of money I desire and believe now is coming my way is because the
pictures in my mind do not yet closely match my desire! I envision paper bills flowing down on me, yes; even a check for $$$$$$$ with my name on it being happily received by me, but my emotional charge level on this is not as much as when I envision what I will do with all that amount: pay off bills and debts, relocate, travel, very good U.S. schools for the kids.... and even when I envision these, some part of me actually feels anxious because there's the thought that says, "how am I going to afford all these?"
So, there is still a mis-match. I want wealth and money in avalanches, but my pictures are actually of expenses to cover, bills and debts to pay! And I have never really clarified yet my attitudes about and relationship with money! Just saying: "I like money. I love money!" made me feel uncomfortable at first.
Dr. Murphy suggests just focusing on this one word, "Wealth", because it does not create a conflict between the conscious and subconscious minds. He also adds the following affirmation, "By day and by night, I am being prospered in all my ways."
When I tried these, I instantly felt a shift in energy! "Wealth" just made me feel good all over, washing over me, while "By day and by night, I am being prospered in all my ways" felt definitely larger and lighter than "Thank You, God, for the $$$$$$$ already in my name, that I'm already receiving quickly and effortlessly! This, or something better."
And then I was reminded of a voice inside me earlier that day which said, "If you're not yet getting what you've asked for, it's because you haven't asked for A Bigger Thing" and I just realized this is what it meant--- that the specific $$$$$$$ amount I've been asking for is such a limited thing compared to "Wealth" in all ways and forms, and to being "prospered, day and night, in all my ways"!
And then, as I took my brisk walk early this morning, I realized that I have not received the avalanche of money and wealth I've long desired yet is that because I haven't consciously focused on it: MONEY. I've always just prayed for abundance and blessings before, and I did have them and continue to do so now in the realm of peace of mind, joy, happy loving relationships, fulfilling and successful work,... but I wasn't very specific about money!
Also, I needed to check and clarify my attitude towards money, and picking up from Dr. Murphy's suggested statement which I just edited and adapted to suit my needs and comfort level, this is what I'm feeling good about affirming now:
"I like money. I love money! And money loves me! It comes to me in avalanches, in many ways and forms, and I receive them all happily and effortlessly! I use money wisely and judiciously, to bless my self and others. I release money with joy, and it comes back to me a hundredfold, a thousandfold, a millionfold, even a hundredmillionfold, to be released back again with joy, and to continue to bless my self and others with it! Money comes to me in avalanches now, in all ways, in all forms!"
I've gotten quite adept in my meditations now and I'm going to focus on this as I meditate more regularly twice daily now, especially with
Chopra Center's 21-Day Meditation Challenge
, and as I continue my spiritual studies with
A Course in Miracles
and my other daily readings and practices.
I'll let you know what happens after 21 days or so, on Feb. 14, 2011, to be exact.
At present, this relationship is in a flux, because I have changed, I have transformed during these 21 days, and I have stopped a way of being and doing that was previously what kept our relationship together. I have decided not to leave this relationship, though, but to see it through, because I do love the person I am with. I just understand now that I need to stand still and be patient and gentle, as I wait out this uncomfortable space, for Love to further reveal itself to us, and for him to do his part, too. If he doesn’t, I’m still okay; I’ve released the outcome to the Universe. For now, I’ve decided that I’ll just give this all I’ve got and wait it out even as I do inner work. 
